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Here is how an information technology consultant gives online support

Computer jokes - ERP Humor

 

ERP Consultant: Yes Ma'am, how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love.com software on my PC. Can you guide me through the process?

 

ERP Consultant: Yes I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do first?

 

ERP Consultant: The first step is to open your heart. Have you located your heart Ma'am?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?

 

ERP Consultant: What programs are running Ma'am?

Customer: Let's see, I have past-hurt, low self-esteem, grudge, and resentment running right now.

 

ERP Consultant: No problem, Love will gradually erase past-hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override low self-esteem with a module of it's own called high self-esteem. However, you have to completely turn off grudge and resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off Ma'am?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

 

ERP Consultant: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until grudge and resentment have completely erased.

Customer: Okay done, Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?

 

ERP Consultant: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other hearts in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "error-program not run on external components." What should I do?

 

ERP Consultant: Don't worry Ma'am, It means the Love program is set-up to run on internal hearts but has not yet been run on your heart. In non-technical terms, it means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.

Customer: So what should I do?

 

ERP Consultant: Can you pull down self-acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-self; Realize your worth; Acknowledge your limitations.

Customer: OK, done.

 

ERP Consultant: Now copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete verbose

self-criticism from all directories and empty your recycle bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey!!! My Heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

 

ERP Consultant: Sometimes. For others it takes a while, but eventually everything gets downloaded at the proper time. So Love is installed and running. One more thing before we hang-up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and it's various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

Customer: I promise to do just that.  By the way, what is your name?

ERP Consultant: Just call me the Cyber Cardiologist, or just "I AM.  Most people feel all they need is an annual check-up to stay heart-healthy; but the manufacturer (ME) suggests a daily maintenance schedule for maximum Love efficiency.

 

   - - - -  J. Zaveri, ERP Consultant

 

-------------------------------------

 

Thought for the ERA... :-)

 

Earlier people used to go to some dense forest of Himalayas to detach themselves from family, friends and all other relatives. ..........................  Now they join Software Industry.

 

  • In opening the session, Mr. Murthy mentioned a hypothetical
    situation where 20 executives  board an airplane  and are told that the
    flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilot less
    technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft.   Each  one of the CEOs is then
    told, privately,  that their company's software is  running  the aircraft's
    automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEOs  promptly leave the   aircraft, each offering a different type of  excuse. One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming  very  calm  indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he  replies: "If it's the  same software that runs my company's IT systems,  this  plane won't even take off."

HEIGHT OF ISOLATION:

Two persons sitting side by side using emails to communicate with each other.

 

HEIGHT OF COWARDICE:

Two persons fighting through emails.

 

HEIGHT OF HELPLESSNESS:

Receiving no emails for a week.

 

HEIGHT OF FRUSTRATION:

The email server being down.

 

HEIGHT OF CARELESSNESS:

Writing a love mail and doing a 'Send All.'

 

HEIGHT OF TIME-PASS:

A person sending email to himself

 

HEIGHT OF EXPECTATION:

Sending Indian cricket team an e-mail, wishing them to win a match against Australia

 

HEIGHT OF REPETITION:

Forwarding an email to someone and receiving the same email forwarded back to you By some one in the receiving chain.

 

HEIGHT OF BROWSING:

U r swimming in the water tank and shout 'F1 F1 F1 ' instead of shouting 'HELP' when u are unable to swim...


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